You didn't show up.
For years I thought you would. Some might say you did, eventually, just not as expected.
For years I thought you would. Some might say you did, eventually, just not as expected.
I like to think I’m pretty good at figuring you out, but a voice that doesn't form words is impossible to decipher. I never get to know the real you.
I wish you'd stop hiding. I catch glimpses of you in Carter’s facial expressions, tucked away behind his impish grin or in the crinkled skin bordering his ice blue eyes. I've heard you in his giggle and in his thunderous belly laugh. His pantomimes, his flailing about, and his movement to music are your physical camouflage. Wails and screams of protest reveal your unflattering side.
You make life mysterious. And puzzling. And downright frustrating. I accept that, begrudgingly, and carry on. But sometimes I just want things to be normal. I want to experience what it would be like to hear you form words instead of grunts and squawks. I want to hear you speak a sentence instead of watching my boy gesture and point. I want to hear the real you, instead of a digitized version dubbed 'Kenny' or 'Alex'.
I wish you'd stop hiding. I catch glimpses of you in Carter’s facial expressions, tucked away behind his impish grin or in the crinkled skin bordering his ice blue eyes. I've heard you in his giggle and in his thunderous belly laugh. His pantomimes, his flailing about, and his movement to music are your physical camouflage. Wails and screams of protest reveal your unflattering side.
You make life mysterious. And puzzling. And downright frustrating. I accept that, begrudgingly, and carry on. But sometimes I just want things to be normal. I want to experience what it would be like to hear you form words instead of grunts and squawks. I want to hear you speak a sentence instead of watching my boy gesture and point. I want to hear the real you, instead of a digitized version dubbed 'Kenny' or 'Alex'.
When Carter was outside playing
with Jack one winter years ago, you didn't help him. Jack came inside. Several minutes passed before I went
to check on Carter. He’d gotten himself stuck, legs first, in a hardened, icy
snow tunnel. I could see how he'd struggled. His glasses were thrown across the driveway. His face was
streaked with tears.
You didn't protest and ask Jack to stay outside. You didn’t scream out or call for me when Carter got stuck.
During a family ski trip to Vermont, Carter wasn’t feeling well. He was exhausted from a long car ride and a sleepless night in an unfamiliar bed. By the time he got to his
ski lesson he was hot from having to wait inside the chalet in his snow gear. He tossed his cookies right there on the spot shortly after we dropped him off.
You could have prevented the whole incident if only you'd told the instructor that Carter was overheating.
You could have prevented the whole incident if only you'd told the instructor that Carter was overheating.
How many times have I had to pick Carter up from school because of you? On the other end of the line, the school secretary always giving me the same basic narrative, 'Carter isn't feeling well. Please come pick him up.’
Not once have you explained that there was too much noise, or too many people, or just too much stimulation. You don't provide information to the people around Carter so they can make sense of what's bothering him. He has no choice but to hold his stomach to convince them he is sick - his way of escaping the situation.
Not once have you explained that there was too much noise, or too many people, or just too much stimulation. You don't provide information to the people around Carter so they can make sense of what's bothering him. He has no choice but to hold his stomach to convince them he is sick - his way of escaping the situation.
When Carter is hurt or sick, your negligence is deplorable. Carter is in distress. I am distressed. You don't tell me where he is hurting or what's making him feel badly. I have no idea what's wrong and I feel helpless.
Do you know how hard it is for me to send Carter to respite activities, to camp - anywhere with people who don't know him well? Knowing that you won't be there to help him is overwhelming.
You don't show up.
You'll never show up.
It didn’t work.
It
didn't
work.
Do you know what it would be like to hear you form words flowing from my son’s mouth? What would you say to me?
Do you know how hard it is for me to send Carter to respite activities, to camp - anywhere with people who don't know him well? Knowing that you won't be there to help him is overwhelming.
You don't show up.
You'll never show up.
I’ve done everything in my power to replace you with sign language and gestures, an electronic version of you, but it’s not the same. It never will be. Without you, Carter will go through life being minimally understood. His communication will be slow and inefficient. And because of that he won’t express a fraction of what's running through his head. He’ll be left behind. Misunderstood. Complacent. Vulnerable.
If only there was some way that I could bring you here. I’ve tried. Oh, how I’ve tried - with speech therapy, prompt therapy, oral motor therapy, behaviour therapy. It didn’t work.
If only there was some way that I could bring you here. I’ve tried. Oh, how I’ve tried - with speech therapy, prompt therapy, oral motor therapy, behaviour therapy. It didn’t work.
It didn’t work.
It
didn't
work.
Do you know what it would be like to hear you form words flowing from my son’s mouth? What would you say to me?
The silence has been filled with other noise. It’s so different. It’s not what I expected.
You didn't show up.
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